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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26170540">HONK! Ook? and The Secret Life of Cabbages</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/handschuhmaus/pseuds/handschuhmaus'>handschuhmaus</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Discworld, Alternate Universe - The Soulmate Goose of Enforcement, Unseen University</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 04:16:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>945</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26170540</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/handschuhmaus/pseuds/handschuhmaus</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sheev Palpatine | Darth Sidious/Dooku | Darth Tyranus</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>HONK! Ook? and The Secret Life of Cabbages</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Palpatine could walk right in through the ornate and admittedly open gates of Unseen University without anyone bothering him, even though the Assassins' Very Dark Greys and Walnut Brown and A Little Forest Green Never Hurt Anything, Did It, Lads? (Darcy "Tracker" Samuels, having returned home and served her duty in the Borogravian Army, with uniform to match, was not afraid to incorporate her admiration for the Patrician's practical concerns into the curriculum. It ruffled a few feathers among the more Traditional crowd, which was not the young man from Sto Helit.) did not disguise him and his red hair against the backdrop of manicured grounds.</p><p>He hadn't realized the wizards had a duck pond. He had known they had a library, the main place he was interested in, and he had heard (albeit mainly from Allie Depasque in the Fools' Guild) that the weather, and "things", might be strange, once you entered Sator Square. But the bright sun of early autumn beaming down and the breeze stirring the neatly tied queue of his hair felt perfectly normal, if a little pastoral for Ankh-Morpork.</p><p>He had never thought he'd be here, in the Big Wahoonie; his father was desparately opposed to it, but then Lord Damask had come, with some funny ideas about increasing cabbage yields, along with new crops, from Agatea or down near Genua, that would, and he quoted, "improve the soil." In Sto Helit, although their circles were not so elevated as to include the Duchess, it had been seen as unbefitting for an ...investor to concern himself with agriculture. Even among the rich Assassins' Guild youth, it was seen as wildly eccentric, if not even foolhardy, for such a wealthy man to have a "branch office" in the cellar of the explosion-prone Alchemists' Guild and constantly go out for drinks with the Forensics Officer of the Watch. But Ankh-Morpork had already proved to embrace the night soil industry with wealth and eagerness, and it was both impolite and imprudent to bite the hand that fed you, so to speak.</p><p>Speaking of biting the hand that fed you, there was now a large white goose nipping at his hand with its orange bill. His father had always been much too fond of dogs to have birds round the place, even if Mrs. Palpatine spoke fondly of homing pigeons, so he was quite unaccustomed to bird behavior. And honestly, he would have been surprised if most wizards, who by and large seemed either bookish, devoted to food and drink, or both, were either.</p><p>"Honk!" went the goose, uncomfortably loudly, and buffetted his recently twisted ankle with a muscular wing. </p><p>A wizard, carrying a clipboard, walked towards him. As embarrassing as it was for an assassin in training, he had to ask ...her? if she knew anything about the fowl.</p><p>"Oh, that," she seemed to have a Lancre accent. "Actually we're conducting a survey of the the wildlife on university grounds. There's so much thaumic leakage and it has had all sorts of effects on animals. We've heard reports of talking rats who left town and some dog who we don't think got in here but was nevertheless talking."</p><p>"Is this unusual behavior for a goose?" Palpatine asked, a little bemusedly. </p><p>"Well. Sort of, I think. It should be odd for them to be territorial this far from the pond, but maybe she's made a nest."</p><p>"Is that a Lancre accent I hear? And are you a wizard?" he says charmingly. Wizards are celibate, she is wearing a hat, and it's not that he's interested in the usual results of flirting here, but if she has any more experience with geese through being from a rural area, he'd like to take advantage of it. </p><p>"Same as the Archchancellor," she says reproachfully. "He says it's a university, not a bathhouse, and if they can get new students they can afford a little new plumbing."</p><p>He asks before he can help it, "Is that bad?" His oldest younger sister had served as a page in the city hall at Quirm, which mostly involved carting clacks messages all over the building, but she had complained of the fact that she was expected to use only the washrooms on the second floor, upstairs from her desk and away from the building clacks tower on the roof."</p><p>"Women can have magic, too, and it doesn't mean we're all inclined to witchy things. Some of us want to do serious academic investigation." Now her expression holds a reprimand. He supposes he might understand, a bit. The Assassins students aren't always kind to people who aren't from their own city. </p><p>"You can be a witch and do academic investigation, you know," retorts a wizard in passing. While he seems to be dressing the part more thoroughly than the wizard from Lancre, she does remind Palpatine of the computer wizards he met at the Drum on an assignment. </p><p>She responds firmly. "But I wanted to be a wizard." </p><p>"Yeah, my twin brother went to Lancre to learn about witching," the other wizard says evenly. </p><p>The wildlife surveyor takes this in stride. "Your brother?"</p><p>Mr. My-Brother-is-a-Witch juts his chin out defiantly. "Granny Mason said he's good at it."</p><p>Before they could continue this exchange, the goose apparently got impatient and tugged at Palpatine's tunic (Very Dark Grey), emitting a deafening "HONK!"</p><p>"Alright, alright," he says to the goose, assuming at this seemingly intentional act that perhaps it has some understanding. "Where is it you want to take me?"</p><p>The goose spreads its wings briefly and then sets out, determinedly, for the library, which is indeed the place he was headed to begin with.</p>
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